Come on shore...

Wow, again it's been a while since I've posted. Sometimes it's hard to find time to sit down and write out thoughts in more than just a quick note on Facebook. You know how it goes. It seems that in the middle of the night, when DH is snoring away, is the best time for me to sit and write.

There have been some changes in our life since I wrote last. I got a new position at work that is less stress (so far) and the people I work with are nice. However, starting Monday, I will be going back to my last position and going part time so I can spend more time working on the photography business. They don't have part time in my new department so I have to go back to my old world, but the people there are still my good friends. I'm initiating the transition into becoming a full time photographer.

On the baby front, no real news there. I did go to my doctor and ask if she could put me on some birth control pills to help regulate my hormones. So we're just finishing the 2nd month of that and then we're supposed "just go for it" in the words of my doctor. The trouble with the birth control pills is the side effects. When they say "may cause...." then it pretty much DID cause for me. My poor face looks like a teenage boy going through puberty. Then there's the other issues in the "gazunga" department- not sure if the "may increase breast size" one really happened or if that was just from the weight gain that the pills helped with. Dang, I'm glad I took the last one today so my body can get back to normal, after having conceived a child, of course...

So we keep hoping and praying. I had been doing pretty well and then lately in church I've been getting misty-eyed again. I think God's got big plans, I just wish I knew what they were.

Well, for today's humor I'm going to leave you a list of book titles you wouldn't want your grandma to read (these are real, honest-to-goodness published books. Seriously, look them up!):

The Joy of Uncircumcising!
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Pooh Gets Stuck
Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School
Foreskin's Lament
Anybody Can Be Cool... But Awesome Takes Practice
Games You Can Play with Your Pussy
For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf
Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

And last but certainly not least:
Come On Shore and We Will Kill and Eat You All: A New Zealand Story

Go Rest High on the Mountain

Just a week ago we came back from the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota for a family reunion for my extended family. It was actually more fun than last year, if I do say so myself. We have the reunion at a Lutheran church camp tucked away between two mountains with a little mountain lake for canoeing and plenty of photographic opportunities. DH and I were able to relax on the front porch of our cabin in the afternoon and play guitar, with a perfect 75 degrees, fresh pine smell, slight breeze and no one around but the birds and chipmunks. It was magical.

Every year on the Saturday night, we have a talent show and DH and I played guitar and sang a couple songs. My song was "Go Rest High (on that Mountain)" by Vince Gill. If you don't know the song, it's about the person saying goodbye to a loved one, lamenting the day they were put to rest. Go rest high on that mountain/ Son your work on earth is done/ Go to heaven shoutin'/ love for the Father and the Son It's an emotional song anyway, but I always think of both of my grandmothers and now both of my grandfathers who have passed away, one most recently as February this year. So I thought of them and starting tearing up and could barely finish the song. Music is very powerful.

At the end of the talent show portion, one of the ladies got up to talk about the joy of children and let us all know that her son is expecting another. At this point I lost it and had to run out of the room bawling. Poor DH, the only thing he can do is to hug me and he knows there's nothing that can be said to fix it. So we hugged alone in the hallway as I bawled. After everyone was done there, we all went to have a campfire. As I walked back to the campfire, one of the staff ladies from the camp asked if I was okay and then gave me a big hug, affirming that I was there with God and He would take care of me. Hugs and God are very powerful.

The next morning after breakfast we headed back upstairs for a family-led church service. All was going well until the cousin leading the service talked about how he had prayed that God wouldn't take him until he had children. Instant tears because that's how I feel. Please don't take me before I've gotten the chance to live a full life.

Then it was time to leave that beautiful part of the country and head back home, back to reality. It was a great time and I got some much needed exercise hiking. I also got some inspiration and a kick in the pants to get back to the baby-making business. My gyno and I are going to try birth control for a little while to get the hormones back on track. I'm also watching what I'm eating and trying to get that back on track after the move. Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction.

Well that about does it for today. I will leave you with a link to "Go Rest High" and I hope you love this song as much as I do. Thanks for listening.

Nouveau Départ

Hey everybody. I can't believe it's been since April that I've written. I guess I just didn't have anything new baby-related to talk about. I guess I still really don't have anything baby related to talk about. We've kinda put things on hold in that department to get other things figured out in other departments. Sometimes you have to shut down part of the store to work on renovations and improvements.

There have been a couple things that are new. I know I talked about getting a house, and as most of you know, DH and I did buy our first house at the end of May and we've been steadily getting settled in. We've been put through some trials in the first month of home-ownership, such as repairing the AC and the fridge. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

Another thing that's new is that actually just this morning I accepted a position in a different department, which theoretically will be less stress and same pay but now will be Monday through Friday (currently my schedule is Sunday through Thursday) and the hours will actually be later. I figure I'll give it a shot for a while anyway.

Some other things that are new: my sister's fiance, the restaurant down the road a half mile, and the Aurora Borealis (which we tried to see tonight but weren't able to).

So anyway, I've made an appointment with my gyno again because I'm 90% sure I've got a cyst again. Not that I'm usually one to self-diagnose (just kidding I do it all the time), I am experiencing symptoms similar to when I had the one burst the day of our friends M and H's wedding. I'm hoping there is some sort of therapy, like birth control, that she'll be able to prescribe to help with the hormones and get me back on track. In the meantime I've decided to live vicariously through others with children. Ya know, get as much practice as I can.


I will leave you with a website full of neat things about viewing the Aurora Borealis.

Hormones, hormones everywhere

I could swear I've hit menopause.

I sit at work and normally and just frozen to the bone. But lately that has changed and I get this overwhelming heat wave and I'm threatening my co-workers that I'm going to rip my clothes off. And no one wants that.

In addition to the heat wave, apparently hearing a baby or seeing a baby makes me cry. Just tonight I was on a call and the customer had a 3 month old baby and a 2 year old and she's been married just as long as DH and I have. I started bawling. One of the fellow co-workers brought his week old baby (who was just as cute as a bugs ear)in today to parade around, the proudest papa ever! So it was kind of an emotional day baby wise.

On my appointment on Monday, we found only one follicle, which I was disappointed about because they had me on double the dose of Clomid and last month we had two. So I get to go back tomorrow to have another ultrasound and a shot (if I choose to). I also need to ask why I've been so nauseated lately. It's probably just the hormones.

Speaking of the fertility specialist, I just received the bill today for Hospital S. If insurance doesn't pay for any of it, thus far I will owe $1,741. Not really anything prepares you for that kind of sticker shock. I guess that's what I get for trying to do this medically.

Well, I don't have any fun lists to end with tonight, so I will leave you with a link to one of my favorite bits unnecessary censorship

Fizishun Friday

Okay, I know that's not how you spell physician, but it looks cool and sounded awesome in my head and ultimately that's what's important. Once again another Friday off work dedicated to the physicians who keep me healthy and try to figure out what the heck is going on with my body. I long for the day that I will have my Fridays back to do whatever I actually need to get done at home - like sleeping in.

So my day started by getting cracked at the chiropractor. Typical 9:15 appointment but today they taught me some new excercises which I think made me pull my hamstring. At least I definitely know where my hamstring is now. Then I went to the drugstore and bought some fingernail polish so I could paint my nails and feel like a girl. And I do.

Next, my appointment at 12:15 at Hospital AM was for my CT scan. I was very nervous cuz I've never had one before. DH came with me for moral support but couldn't go into the room with me. The lady was such a sweetheart and we talked about the struggle with fertility and how God will let you know when it's time. So I layed on a little bed that looks more like a stretcher in front of a big donut looking thing. This was done fully clothed, even though I said that with this baby experience I've no problem taking my clothes off for doctors. She gave me an IV of dye which she did warn me that it would make me feel like I peed my pants. That is very much what it felt like, just a warm feeling. What was really weird was that I could swear smelled the dye as she put it in, but I'm very sure I couldn't. Then I layed there with my arms above my head and the table moved in and out of the donut. A man's voice from the donut told me when to breathe and when to hold my breath. It took about 10 minutes total. No problem- it was a pretty good experience and the most expensive carnival ride ever.

After that we went to eat and then took DH back to work and I tootled around town for a while. Then it occured to me I better call the fertility doctor and see what they need me to do. Well I couldn't remember their number so I just stopped by Hospital S since I was in the neighborhood. They could get me in at 3. So I went to my sister's house to kill and hour. By this time, this is the 3rd time I've been there today and her poor puppy is not sure what to think. So 3:00 came around and I tootled back to the doctor's office. Another ultrasound with the 7 inch wand. I never realized how big it is, but I happened to see one laying there and measured it. Yes I did. The doctor's PA was once again the one to tend to me (I don't know if I'll ever see the actual doctor again) and it was short and sweet. She prescribed more Clomid this time 100mg or 2 pills per day for 5 days and then of course the "homework" as previously described in a post. So we'll see how it goes this time.

Now I'm off to a date with DH. We're eating at his fave restaraunt, OG. I love it too. I will leave you with some tips to help heal your soul.

1. Paint your fingernails.
2. Buy a great fitting dress.
3. Make some homemade chicken noodle soup with A LOT of noodles.
4. Try a bouffant hair style.
5. Have 4 pieces of Dove chocolate.
6. Buy some heel boots (also known as grown-up shoes)
7. Paint a room light yellow.


I'll try to think of some more things. Please, if you think of some, post them in the comments section!!

... and they saw an empty womb...

Well, another month with an empty womb. During Easter, for some reason, anytime they said "tomb" I put in the word "womb." It seems very macabre now that I think of it. So basically they rolled the stone away and saw an empty womb. Then Jesus popped out and said "Tadaa!" (that was from a story they told in church about preschoolers) Yeah, that's kinda creepy.

Well, I'm supposed to call the fertility specialist today and let them know that it didn't take. I feel like I'm a dog or horse breeder and you know what happens to the animal when they don't take? They get put out to pasture or sold to a slaughterhouse. Please don't send me to the slaughterhouse! Anyway, I have no idea what the next step is in the process. He did mention that he doesn't want to keep me on Clomid because that has been shown to lead to ovarian cancer. So I guess I'll see what our next plan of action is.

Tomorrow I go in for a CT scan. The fertility doctor wanted me to get checked out by a pulmonary specialist to see why I've been suffering from pleurisy these last couple of years. The pulmonary doctor took chest x-rays and found that there are some sort of little spots on my lungs. She requested I have a CT scan done to make sure everything's okay. I'm trying not to think negatively about that.

Lately I've been vomitous and just generally nauseated, like enough that I should have gone home from work. I've also been craving crazy things. The second one might just be psychological, but it makes it harder to take that test and see that negative sign.

In other, actually exciting news, we had our offer accepted on a house. Pending inspections and funding, we'll soon be homeowners! I'm very convinced now is the time to buy and we can start our new family in a new place. I need something like that to get my mind off of other things. If I've learned anything though, it's not to get my hopes up because anything can happen.

I feel like God knows something that I don't. Like maybe there is something wrong with my lungs and he didn't want me to be preggers if we have to do surgery. I sometimes feel like if I just lose 20 pounds... well, if I could just lose 20 pounds that easily, I wouldn't be as heavy as I am in the first place! I've also been wondering if it's maybe just stress from work. I almost wish I had gotten that one position even if it was a pay cut. It just seems like something's gotta give soon.

As much as I am feeling overwhelmed, I'm trying to keep positive. I don't know where I would be if DH wasn't such a wonderful, understanding person. I'm very thankful for him and my family and my friends. I love you all. Thanks for being a solid rock for me.

Update and How To Make Your Mandatory Sack Sessions More Interesting

So we're 3 weeks into this new endeavor. I have been poke, prodded, and very much humbled by this experience. I'm less apprehensive taking my clothes off in front a perfect stranger in a doctor's office setting. I feel I haven't much more to give, but I'm not done with my regimen of doctor appointments.

The other day it occurred to me that I had never told my doctors this, because I either forgot or wanted to block it out, but back in November or December I had experienced what I would call implantation bleeding. I never spot, ever, and the timing was right. Well I never took a test because I was told you should wait until you're late. Well, I wasn't late any more than usual that month and life continued as normal. It just occurred to me that I possibly miscarried then. There's no way of knowing and it makes me sad to think about. Better then than later.

I went back to see the specialist's Physician's Assistant on Monday. One of the follicles was ripe at 18mm and then other one was still at 14mm. They shot me in the butt with a 2 inch needle- no exaggeration. This was the hcg to facilitate ovulation within 12-36 hours. She sent me home with "homework" as my dear friend lovingly calls it.

Sack sessions for 3 days straight may sound awesome to a novice. But when they've become mandatory, it's not so fun. So it is kinda like homework in that when you're in kindergarten, you wanna take books home like the big kids and then you get to be a big kid and as much as you are sick of it, you know you have to do your homework or you won't succeed in school. There, that's my big philosophical perspective.

So in conclusion, DH and I have come up with a list of ways to keep your sack sessions interesting. Mind you, not necessarily hotter but more interesting:

• Role play- she plays Batman while he plays Robin.
  
• Set a two minute egg timer and try to beat it.
• Invite your friends to act as judges, see if you can score three 10's.
• Keep a tarantula or a scorpion in the bed.
• Instead of hot oil, use bacon grease.
• Butt plug and a bonnet.
• Set up an audience of porcelain dolls - put on a show.
  
• One word- flamethrower.
• Tie innertubes together and try it floating down the Big Sioux.
• Turn on Lawrence Welk and do the deed to "Yakity Sax"