Well, another month with an empty womb. During Easter, for some reason, anytime they said "tomb" I put in the word "womb." It seems very macabre now that I think of it. So basically they rolled the stone away and saw an empty womb. Then Jesus popped out and said "Tadaa!" (that was from a story they told in church about preschoolers) Yeah, that's kinda creepy.
Well, I'm supposed to call the fertility specialist today and let them know that it didn't take. I feel like I'm a dog or horse breeder and you know what happens to the animal when they don't take? They get put out to pasture or sold to a slaughterhouse. Please don't send me to the slaughterhouse! Anyway, I have no idea what the next step is in the process. He did mention that he doesn't want to keep me on Clomid because that has been shown to lead to ovarian cancer. So I guess I'll see what our next plan of action is.
Tomorrow I go in for a CT scan. The fertility doctor wanted me to get checked out by a pulmonary specialist to see why I've been suffering from pleurisy these last couple of years. The pulmonary doctor took chest x-rays and found that there are some sort of little spots on my lungs. She requested I have a CT scan done to make sure everything's okay. I'm trying not to think negatively about that.
Lately I've been vomitous and just generally nauseated, like enough that I should have gone home from work. I've also been craving crazy things. The second one might just be psychological, but it makes it harder to take that test and see that negative sign.
In other, actually exciting news, we had our offer accepted on a house. Pending inspections and funding, we'll soon be homeowners! I'm very convinced now is the time to buy and we can start our new family in a new place. I need something like that to get my mind off of other things. If I've learned anything though, it's not to get my hopes up because anything can happen.
I feel like God knows something that I don't. Like maybe there is something wrong with my lungs and he didn't want me to be preggers if we have to do surgery. I sometimes feel like if I just lose 20 pounds... well, if I could just lose 20 pounds that easily, I wouldn't be as heavy as I am in the first place! I've also been wondering if it's maybe just stress from work. I almost wish I had gotten that one position even if it was a pay cut. It just seems like something's gotta give soon.
As much as I am feeling overwhelmed, I'm trying to keep positive. I don't know where I would be if DH wasn't such a wonderful, understanding person. I'm very thankful for him and my family and my friends. I love you all. Thanks for being a solid rock for me.
I can't imagine wanting something so bad and for it not to happen. Well not when you want it to, anyway. I know it is hard to wait for something that seems will never come. You constintly think about, you see it(or it feels like it is following you), and you hear it when you actually don't. Your blog is deep and I feel what you feel just by reading it. It makes my problems seem alot less then they really are.
ReplyDeleteGod only gives you what you can handle and I believe in this. This is not a problem, it is a road bump in life(or mountain somedays). You need to find out how to get over this bump, it may take longer then you think or want. Maybe just one big step or a helicopter for that mountain. But you can make it over.
Have faith in you; mind, body, and soul. Don't forget to take time for yourself and your loved ones. And laughter is the best medicine.
You're in my prayers.
The only difference is that you don't want an undead zombie baby popping out of your womb, saying "Tadaaaa!" That might color the whole experience.
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