Thursday, August 25, 2011

My Baby Pet Peeves

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've posted. I guess time flies when you're too damn busy to stop and look at a calendar. Haven't been able to have too much time to myself lately, since I've been helping babysit my now 2 1/2 month old niece. Love, love, love her to pieces!

I've been needing to rant for a while now. If I don't I'm going to explode. I've compiled a list of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to people and their babies. These being in addition to the ones I've already mentioned (i.e. people-who-don't-deserve-children-but-are-still-having-children kind of thing.) I'm sure I might offend someone, but really, right now I don't care. You're an adult, deal with it.

5. Brand names.
Seriously? A Jeep brand stroller? Does it give me excellent gas mileage on my car? Is it motorized in some way? Does it have cup holders I can't live without? What is the deal with brand name baby stuff?! Please don't dress your kids in Baby Gap or Baby Abercrombie (I don't think they have Baby Abercrombie, but if they do this world is seriously effed up) or the like. Your kid is not a damn billboard for advertising some brand that is just there to take your money. (I couldn't come up with a more snide remark, so if you think of one, please post it in the comments!)

4. Baby pageants.
I know, most of you reading this are saying "Ugh, dun' get me stahted." I think most of us have seen at least one episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" and if you're like me, cringed the entire time. Being from the midwest, we generally don't subject our kids to such vile pageantry. If you want your kid to grow up with a complex, starve themselves, get addicted to pain pills and go on Dr. Phil to blame every problem they have on you for making them do pageants, then by all means, be my guest. Some of those are gross assumptions, but you catch my drift.

3. Smoking.
If you smoke around a baby, you need to be taken out back and beaten with a wiffle-ball bat. (Please note I'm just trying to scale back on the violence for a moment.) Ruin your own damn lungs, don't ruin mine and a defenseless baby's lungs just because you're a selfish twit and can't find it in you to quit, even for your own good.

2. Updates.
Being pregnant is a wonderful thing (remember I briefly experienced this) but the world doesn't need to have a weekly update on the development of your fetus. Especially the automated ones on your "wall" that have a description of every week. "Today your baby looks like a gelatinous goo and is the size of a kumquat!" Along with this I would have to add that you don't have to post every damn ultrasound you have ever had. And this goes for showing people in person too. PLEASE don't shove them in people's faces, especially people you know are having a hard time with babies as it is. Taking pictures of your "progress" is right up there too. I really don't need to see how fat you've become. I don't post pictures of how much weight I've gained since I lost my baby and became depressed and ate half my body weight in Oreos!

1. Nicknames.
Peanut. Grrrrr! Your baby is not a f**king peanut! It's a BABY! It's a fetus. It's a watermelon. Whatever. But it's not a peanut! Nicknames are cute; I have a ton of nicknames for my niece. I just ask that you either use them sparingly or switch it up. For instance my niece to me is "wiggle-worm" or "squeakers." But she is not a peanut. So whatever you decide to dub the kid- wiggle-worm, munchkin or stinky-bean -please, please, please for the love of all that is right and good, just don't call it "Peanut _____(insert last name here)"!

These are just a few things I've needed to get off my chest. Please, if you have any more to share, post in the comments. I'm always open to more ideas, you know that.

Since this week's post is a list, I'm not going to do a closing list for you. I will tell you that Saturday is my 27th birthday and this is making me very depressed. So, I've ordered FertilAid, which is an herbal supplement that's supposed to help fertility. It comes very very highly recommended. We'll give it a go. Wish me luck all!