Friday, November 11, 2011

Expect the Unexpectant

This month is going to be the hardest for me. My baby(ies) would have been due on Thanksgiving. I'm sure I've probly said it a million times. I've been trying to mentally prepare myself, but that's a lot easier said than done. Last night I just had to breakdown and cry for about 10 minutes and that did make me feel a little better.

I always think of myself as a pretty weak person physically and emotionally. I really wish I thought the opposite because I actually think the opposite is true. I think I'm stronger than I realize. I usually take on more tasks than I can handle and I'm fine for a while but then the stress catches up and I just have to break. But it usually takes a lot for me to get to that breaking point.

I was talking to my mom lastnight about Thanksgiving and what the plans were. I told her I might not feel like doing anything, maybe I'll just sit around and mope around the house. She told me "we can't do that. We have to move on." Those are hard words to hear, but necessary to hear.

I was talking with a friend the other day and we were discussing the fact that losses like this happen to more people than we realize. They just don't talk about it. Does that make me stupid for wanting to talk about it? Am I actually weaker than I thought because I can't keep that bottled up inside me? I think it's a fact of life and people shouldn't be ashamed of it. It was still a baby, it was a family member.

Unless it's like when your crazy uncle Nestor with the 10 free-ranging house chickens and mummified human "dolls" * (see below) he kept in this 1 bedroom apartment suddenly died while having a night on the town with an escort, then maybe you don't talk about it. On second thought that story's kinda interesting, I want to hear more about your crazy uncle Nestor....

My point is when you're mourning, you need to give it time. I was talking to another dear friend about some losses she's going through and it occurred to me that she's mourning all of these things all at once. We all have different kinds of mourning and we all have a different timeframe of mourning certain losses. You never forget those people in your life but God built us with the ability to be sad and grieve so we can't just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. (Love you friend! You're an inspiration!)

So right now DH and I just wait and expect the unexpectant. I've been trying the Fertilaid pills I bought a couple months ago and don't really seem to have any negative impact but they do give me hope. It's a natural herbal supplement that is supposed to help regulate hormones and have all the necessary things that prenatal vitamins have. I will continue with the supplements for now until they run out or until something awesome happens. I'm hoping the latter...

I was going to do a list of things I'm thankful for but I need a little humor. Here's a list of songs that I'm ashamed to admit I own but thoroughly enjoy.

10. Dead Puppies - ?
9. Movin Right Along - The Muppets
8. Uncle F***er -DVDA (from the South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut Soundtrack)
7. Bringing Sexy Back -Justin Timberlake
6. Toxic -Brittany Spears
5. These Boots are Made for Walking - Jessica Simpson version
4. I'm Too Sexy- Right Said Fred
3. Super Freak- Rick James
2. Sex Farm Woman- Spinal Tap
1. The Only Gay Eskimo -The Juice Pigs




  1. I don't know if you followed my blog much, but when we miscarried, all that ever made me feel better was talking about it. Even still. We're coming up on three years since our loss and I still mourn. Not as often or for as long as I used to, but with just as much longing because the pain still hurts.

    I'm sorry for your loss last spring and will be thinking of you next week.

  2. Holly you are stronger than you realize. You aren't so afraid of loosing something that you won't try to have it. I can only tell you "hang in there" so much, because 1. You always do. And 2. What else can one do? I hope that you can have some enjoyment on Thanksgiving. And if that means a fried turkey dipped in chocolate with a Tequila chaser, then so be it. Love you guys. B.

  3. Holly! You are so strong! The fact that you can talk & blog about your loss puts you so far ahead of many who can't. And you should!! It helps you heal & helps others too. A book that may provide a little hope (should you choose to believe a 3 year old) is "Heaven is for Real". I'll keep you in my prayers & hope the supplements work! :)