Expect the Unexpectant

This month is going to be the hardest for me. My baby(ies) would have been due on Thanksgiving. I'm sure I've probly said it a million times. I've been trying to mentally prepare myself, but that's a lot easier said than done. Last night I just had to breakdown and cry for about 10 minutes and that did make me feel a little better.

I always think of myself as a pretty weak person physically and emotionally. I really wish I thought the opposite because I actually think the opposite is true. I think I'm stronger than I realize. I usually take on more tasks than I can handle and I'm fine for a while but then the stress catches up and I just have to break. But it usually takes a lot for me to get to that breaking point.

I was talking to my mom lastnight about Thanksgiving and what the plans were. I told her I might not feel like doing anything, maybe I'll just sit around and mope around the house. She told me "we can't do that. We have to move on." Those are hard words to hear, but necessary to hear.

I was talking with a friend the other day and we were discussing the fact that losses like this happen to more people than we realize. They just don't talk about it. Does that make me stupid for wanting to talk about it? Am I actually weaker than I thought because I can't keep that bottled up inside me? I think it's a fact of life and people shouldn't be ashamed of it. It was still a baby, it was a family member.

Unless it's like when your crazy uncle Nestor with the 10 free-ranging house chickens and mummified human "dolls" * (see below) he kept in this 1 bedroom apartment suddenly died while having a night on the town with an escort, then maybe you don't talk about it. On second thought that story's kinda interesting, I want to hear more about your crazy uncle Nestor....

My point is when you're mourning, you need to give it time. I was talking to another dear friend about some losses she's going through and it occurred to me that she's mourning all of these things all at once. We all have different kinds of mourning and we all have a different timeframe of mourning certain losses. You never forget those people in your life but God built us with the ability to be sad and grieve so we can't just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. (Love you friend! You're an inspiration!)

So right now DH and I just wait and expect the unexpectant. I've been trying the Fertilaid pills I bought a couple months ago and don't really seem to have any negative impact but they do give me hope. It's a natural herbal supplement that is supposed to help regulate hormones and have all the necessary things that prenatal vitamins have. I will continue with the supplements for now until they run out or until something awesome happens. I'm hoping the latter...

I was going to do a list of things I'm thankful for but I need a little humor. Here's a list of songs that I'm ashamed to admit I own but thoroughly enjoy.

10. Dead Puppies - ?
9. Movin Right Along - The Muppets
8. Uncle F***er -DVDA (from the South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut Soundtrack)
7. Bringing Sexy Back -Justin Timberlake
6. Toxic -Brittany Spears
5. These Boots are Made for Walking - Jessica Simpson version
4. I'm Too Sexy- Right Said Fred
3. Super Freak- Rick James
2. Sex Farm Woman- Spinal Tap
1. The Only Gay Eskimo -The Juice Pigs




*http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/11/us-crime-bodies-odd-f-idUSTRE7AA3V320111111

My Baby Pet Peeves

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've posted. I guess time flies when you're too damn busy to stop and look at a calendar. Haven't been able to have too much time to myself lately, since I've been helping babysit my now 2 1/2 month old niece. Love, love, love her to pieces!

I've been needing to rant for a while now. If I don't I'm going to explode. I've compiled a list of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to people and their babies. These being in addition to the ones I've already mentioned (i.e. people-who-don't-deserve-children-but-are-still-having-children kind of thing.) I'm sure I might offend someone, but really, right now I don't care. You're an adult, deal with it.


5. Brand names.
Seriously? A Jeep brand stroller? Does it give me excellent gas mileage on my car? Is it motorized in some way? Does it have cup holders I can't live without? What is the deal with brand name baby stuff?! Please don't dress your kids in Baby Gap or Baby Abercrombie (I don't think they have Baby Abercrombie, but if they do this world is seriously effed up) or the like. Your kid is not a damn billboard for advertising some brand that is just there to take your money. (I couldn't come up with a more snide remark, so if you think of one, please post it in the comments!)

4. Baby pageants.
I know, most of you reading this are saying "Ugh, dun' get me stahted." I think most of us have seen at least one episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" and if you're like me, cringed the entire time. Being from the midwest, we generally don't subject our kids to such vile pageantry. If you want your kid to grow up with a complex, starve themselves, get addicted to pain pills and go on Dr. Phil to blame every problem they have on you for making them do pageants, then by all means, be my guest. Some of those are gross assumptions, but you catch my drift.


3. Smoking.
If you smoke around a baby, you need to be taken out back and beaten with a wiffle-ball bat. (Please note I'm just trying to scale back on the violence for a moment.) Ruin your own damn lungs, don't ruin mine and a defenseless baby's lungs just because you're a selfish twit and can't find it in you to quit, even for your own good.


2. Updates.
Being pregnant is a wonderful thing (remember I briefly experienced this) but the world doesn't need to have a weekly update on the development of your fetus. Especially the automated ones on your "wall" that have a description of every week. "Today your baby looks like a gelatinous goo and is the size of a kumquat!" Along with this I would have to add that you don't have to post every damn ultrasound you have ever had. And this goes for showing people in person too. PLEASE don't shove them in people's faces, especially people you know are having a hard time with babies as it is. Taking pictures of your "progress" is right up there too. I really don't need to see how fat you've become. I don't post pictures of how much weight I've gained since I lost my baby and became depressed and ate half my body weight in Oreos!


1. Nicknames.
Peanut. Grrrrr! Your baby is not a f**king peanut! It's a BABY! It's a fetus. It's a watermelon. Whatever. But it's not a peanut! Nicknames are cute; I have a ton of nicknames for my niece. I just ask that you either use them sparingly or switch it up. For instance my niece to me is "wiggle-worm" or "squeakers." But she is not a peanut. So whatever you decide to dub the kid- wiggle-worm, munchkin or stinky-bean -please, please, please for the love of all that is right and good, just don't call it "Peanut _____(insert last name here)"!


These are just a few things I've needed to get off my chest. Please, if you have any more to share, post in the comments. I'm always open to more ideas, you know that.

Since this week's post is a list, I'm not going to do a closing list for you. I will tell you that Saturday is my 27th birthday and this is making me very depressed. So, I've ordered FertilAid, which is an herbal supplement that's supposed to help fertility. It comes very very highly recommended. We'll give it a go. Wish me luck all!

More Chaos and Happy Almost-A-Mother's Day

Well it's been a while since I've written. Of course the month hiatus couldn't be without it's share of drama, which is probly why it's taken me so long to write.

You know of the miscarriage on April 3rd but when we met with the interim doctor (while mine is on maternity leave) the morning of the day we went to Las Vegas, she determined I (also) had a tubal pregnancy. I say also because while the doctors believe it was just the ectopic, I strongly believe we lost one on the 3rd. I'll spare you the details on why I think that, but I'm pretty sure. By this time I had already been getting blood drawn twice a week until the hCG level hit 0. Since it actually was going up, she knew there was something else going on and an ultrasound confirmed.

So with the ectopic pregnancy, she needed to give me a shot of Methotrexate which is the same drug they use for chemo treatments, it's just a lower dose for this purpose. If I got the shot that day she wouldn't let me go to Vegas due to the possible side effects. I said forget that, I was going to Vegas and would get the shot when we came back.

Vegas was good. DH went for a convention for work and I went to get away from it all. I was able to get some R&R in and we visited our friends in the evening who showed us around the town a bit. On the day before we were leaving I got horrible pain in my left side- my tube. I panicked and thought the tube burst and I was bleeding internally. It eventually reduced and we got home the next day.

The day we landed it was sleeting and snowing. We weren't in town for an hour and got into an accident. Luckily it wasn't serious, just a fender bender and we just got DH's car fixed so that's back to normal. After the accident we went to the hospital to get the shot. The guy giving the shot was a little awkward. Especially when he asked if we had any kids.

A couple days later I was feeling some pain, nausea and severe dizziness while getting ready for work. I probably shouldn't have driven to work that day. But I called the interim doctor and she said to get to ER. So, ER visit number 2 went ok. It wasn't quite as frantic as the first. So there's another 1,900 out of pocket thanks to my *awesome* health insurance. The doctor said it was just a reaction to the shot.

I was told to keep going back once a week to get blood work until the hCG went back to 0. A week or so ago I got the OK to not have to come back for tests, which in turn is a green light to start trying again.

DH and I went west to visit his mom for Mother's Day, since in years past I've always had to work on Sundays so we've never gotten to spend Mother's Day with her. So we helped her with yard work. It was good to get my mind off of things.

I did get some time to read a book that on of my teachers from junior high mailed to me. She's been a mentor and a great source of inspiration to me all of these years. The book she gave us was Empty Arms by Sherokee Ilse. It has some great advice on what to do in the first few hours and the days that follow. I recommend it for you almost-a-mommies and almost-a-daddies and grandparents, everyone involved.

I don't have a funny list today but I will leave you with links to a couple of songs that I absolutely love and find insipring:

Tara's Theme from Gone With the Wind

Feather Theme from Forrest Gump

On Golden Pond from On Golden Pond

Lane's Theme from 8 Seconds

Threads of Love by Lori Line

Loved and Lost....

Well, this isn't exactly how I wanted to tell everyone. It's also the reason we waited to tell everyone.

DH and I found out a couple of weeks ago that we're gonna have a baby. When I found out, I was hysterical, shaking and crying. I texted him a photo of the pregnancy test. We told our parents and and my sister and a couple friends. We were waiting until after the first ultrasound on 4/20/2011 to tell all. My first appointment last Monday went great and the blood work was normal. Super excited, and it was really hard not to tell absolutely everyone I walked into.

However, today I woke up and went to get ready for church I noticed I was bleeding. I've heard that happens sometimes, no big deal. When I was taking my shower I got extremely light-headed and was going to pass out, I couldn't even finish my shower. I laid on the bathroom floor in my robe doubled over with excruciating cramps while DH called Ask-A-Nurse, who said to get to the ER.

We went to ER and eventually were led back into a room where a doc came in and did a pelvic exam and collected the remains. They did an ultrasound to see if that's really what had happened and it was confirmed. Both DH and I had to cry a little, okay I cried a lot. Still am, in fact. It will take a long time to get over this first pregnancy that ended so abruptly. It sucks.

I'll spare the rest of the details, unless you want to know the ins and outs of what happened today, you can contact me. It feels like another test of faith and very hard not to say "why me, God?!" My heart is breaking. It definitely hurts.

So we wait for now. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to follow up. After 3 weeks we can start trying again. Back to square one. I loved the little guy and lost it.

Update

Well, yesterday I got my results back for my progesterone levels. I'm at a 19 ng/ml. From what I've read most docs like to see you at 15+ng/ml when medicated (i.e. with clomid) and the nurse told me it's not likely that I'm pregnant yet.

Doc put my on a triple dose of clomid for this next round. I'll be kinda frustrated if I spend all this money on a triple dose of clomid and I'm already with-child. Although, as DH put it, "I'll bet you won't be that upset." *sigh* I hate it when he's right....

Tuesday the 15th is day 28. That's a whole 5 days away yet! I can't test until day 28, per the request of my chiropractor. She's rootin' for me too.

That's all I have for now. I will let you know any progress!


I will leave you with a couple of fertility jokes, courtesy of fertilityplus.org:

Q: How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .

Q: How does a Reproductive Endorcinologist like his eggs?
A: Over 20mm!

Q: Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't ask for directions either!

And last but not least:
One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."

A Day Full of Needles

Today was another day full of needles. I went in for my day 21 (cycle day 21) blood draw to check my progesterone levels. Progesterone is a hormone that is secreted during ovulation and tells the uterus to get ready for a baybay! Basically, it creates a nice, comfy place for the egg to land. Low progesterone levels mean no implantation or no pregnancy and if pregnant then miscarriage. I'm not sure when I'll get the results back, but I hope they're good!!

After my blood draw, I went to my second acupuncture appointment. This time they put me in a little different room than the spa room I was in before. She put the needles in a few different places than last time too. Then she put a heat lamp on my feet and told me to practice deep breathing and focusing energy. I actually found it harder to concentrate in there because people outside were being loud and the music was too loud. I still felt relaxed, if nothing else, when I left there. And I found out that these treatments cost less than going to my chiropractor or a visit to the gyno (assuming your insurance doesn't pay for anything much like mine doesn't!)

One thing she did ask me to do is to try eliminate stress for a week. ...Yeah. That's what I thought too. I asked her if that means I can quit my job and she said as long as I win the lottery tomorrow night that shouldn't be a problem. Done and done!

Now I don't know if this is anything to be concerned or get excited about, but the last couple of days I've been feeling a fluttering in my uterus-region. Everything I read on the internet was people saying it's gas. Trust me... I know what gas feels like and this is not it. I can tell the difference between my uterus and my intestines, thank you very much! But it doesn't hurt and it's just like when you get a nervous twitch in your eye or your leg or something. I'm gonna play it by ear and see what happens. I have a few more days before I can test. I really don't want to test anymore, I hate the disappointment that entails.

Well, unlike the aforementioned pregnancy tests, today I will leave you with a list of potential movie titles that will not disappoint! FYI: I made these up. Enjoy.

• 3 Nuns, A Hooker and A Dog Named Happy
• Flipper: Die Another Day
• Something About Larry (King)
• Influenza Day
• Revenge of the Ninja Bears
• Gigantic Luxury Steam Ship That Never Should Have Left Harbor Killing Many Many People (based on a true story)
• Fast Car Boob-splosion [okay I didn't make that one up]
• The Vindicator III
• Ratman and Bobbin

Stick a needle in me, I'm done

A friend of mine from childhood sent me a message the other day to give me a little pick-me up and advice on trying to get pregnant and what worked for her. It was a very pleasant surprise and it helped me out!

She mentioned some of the same things that I had already done and even the fertility specialist whom I'm trying to never go back to, God willing. Not that I don't like him, it's just too expensive and didn't get me any farther than I was before. She also mentioned that she did acupuncture which seemed to be the catalyst she needed. My gyno had also mentioned it, I guess I was just a little skeptical and maybe a little scared of alternative medicine like acupuncture. Nevertheless, with two people telling me to give it a go, I decided it was time.

I made an appointment with one of the local chiropractor/day spa places. My mom goes there for her chiropractic needs and it's a really cool place and the people are super nice. I made sure to tell them when booking the appointment that I've never done it before. After all the paperwork (which in reality wasn't much, just your typical HIPAA stuff, etc) I was shown in the back to a room where they played me a general welcome video and then the doc came in for a brief analysis.

Acupuncture is a Chinese medicine practice but they do incorporate a bit of western medicine for the analysis. She first asked me to show her my tongue in various poses (saying "ahhh" or angry tongue sticking-out) and she could tell I was dehydrated, fatigued, stressed and hormonally imbalanced. Then she took my pulse on both wrists at the same time at three different points and she mentioned my pulse was a little weak and I must have been tired (which I was, only getting 6 hours of sleep the night before). Then she did the good old blood pressure cuff on my wrist (yay western medicine!). The last thing she did was have me change into a gown and she had a scanner that she rolled down my back and neck to get a reading of my spine, I guess. Then I was ready for the fun.

The doc lead me back to their spa area where she put me in a relaxing massage room where she had me change into a gown and some shorts. I lied down on the bed with my head on a pillow and she made clear I understood that the needles are only used once and explained where she was putting them and why. She described what it would feel like. I can honestly say, poking your finger for a blood sugar sample or the needle poke at the dentist is soooo much more than this. I've had mosquito bites that hurt more than these things. It was a poke and then it was gone, I forgot where they all were because I couldn't feel them!

She put a needle above and below my belly button, one on each ovary, one on my right wrist, one on the skin between my thumb and forefinger on my left hand, one on the outside of each ankle, two in my forehead and one in the top of my head. She then gave me instructions on deep breathing and focusing on the abdomen where we need the energy to flow. That last one was hard because my mind kept wandering but with the relaxing music and waterfall it made it a lot easier to keep my focus than if I was in a completely silent room.

Fifteen minutes later she came back and removed the needles. I couldn't even feel her remove them. She said there might be some bruising, but so far I haven't seen anything weird. She asked me to take my time getting up, drink 8 oz of water (which they have placed pitchers of ice water pretty much everywhere you go in this place) and get a snack as soon as possible. She didn't have to tell me twice to eat a snack... She also suggested finding at least 5 minutes a day that I just relax and do something that doesn't involve gadgets. I do that anyways, but I think we could all use that.

I'm going back on Tuesday for another treatment. She did mention that we should have started at the beginning of my cycle and not day 15, but I'm guessing it won't hurt to start now. It's good for meditation anyways.

So it was a very positive experience. I would recommend it to others who are trying to conceive or people who just need a relaxing poke with needles.

I will now leave you with a list of very embarrassing moments people experience (not necessarily ones I'VE experienced):

• Going to pull out something from your purse/wallet at the grocery store and out falls a tampon/other embarrassing items.
• In an important meeting or interview and find you have a booger.
• Walking into the wrong bathroom.
• Trying to wave down your friend only to find it's someone that looks extraordinarily similar. (this is especially worse if the person turns out to be the opposite gender - this one did actually happen to me)
• Farting in front of a client or in an important meeting.
• Accidentally wetting/soiling your pants in public. (Hey diarrhea doesn't wait for you!)
• Having your shirt tucked in your underwear.
• Forgetting to wear clothes (again).
• Stepping on the back of your skirt and it comes down.
• Wind blowing your skirt up.
• Realize your zipper has been down all day.
• Farting during silent prayer.
• Giggling at the person who farted during silent prayer.
• Your phone rings with an embarrassing ring tone.
• Gentleman having a noticeable "bulge" at an inappropriate time-like a funeral.
• Falling up/ down stairs.

Please comment and add your own embarrassing moments to the list!

On the Pills Again...

For some reason Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" popped into my head and there's a commercial for birth control pills on right now. Not that I'm on birth control, but I'm back on Clomid and looking forward to it!

I called my doc on Wednesday and was wondering if she would write me a script for Clomid, since we had recently talked about it at a visit. I didn't want to go in if I didn't have to. I've had the stuff before, there would be no need for an exam, no need to blow $85 on a visit (since my *awesome* health insurance has a $6,000 deductible- but that's another story!) so I really didn't feel the need to go in if I didn't have to. So doc's nurse called me back and said that we'll start with one round but we're doubling the dose. Then I have to go back on March 8th for a blood draw to check up on my progesterone to make sure things are happening like they should.

I do like being on Clomid because there are no immediately noticeable side-effects and most of all it gives me hope. True the chances of multiples are higher, but I think taking the risk is worth it.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like a failure. I even joined WW again and have been eating like a rabbit and working out but I've only gained weight. That combined with new stress at work now, I'm just feeling really depressed and just an all around epic failure.

So, for now we'll stick with the Clomid and see what this round brings us. Wish me luck.

I will leave you with a list of honest-to-goodness song titles (some of which are on country radio):

• Heaven’s Just A Sin Away
• If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?
• Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
• Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
• I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
• It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
• I Just Couldn’t Leave Her Behind Alone
• I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
• I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love
• If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

Cold Wind Isn't the Only Bitter Thing...

A word of caution: you may be offended by the words contained herein.

I'm sure everyone who's tried/trying for a baby has had their emotional roller-coaster, and rightly so. Lately, I've been going up (emotionally speaking) at work and other aspects of my life, but when it comes to the roller-coaster of baby stuff, I've hit that sickening drop right after the sign that says "point of no return" that makes your stomach fly up into your esophagus.

And so I present to you a mad-at-the-world rant session which may or may not offend you. I've been doing well so far keeping these feelings shoved down deep inside but I'm just gonna burst, so bon apetit.

I'm frustrated that every time I go to the gyno, she says "you could even be pregnant as we speak," but I'm not. I'm frustrated with people who are much younger than me who are having babies. I'm frustrated that people aren't married and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people haven't been married even as long as we've been trying (going on 3 years) and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who can't afford to feed themselves are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who are addicted to drugs/alcohol are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who adore their kids when they're babies and then don't like them when they are toddlers are having babies. I'm frustrated there are single people out there living with mommy and daddy and have never worked a day in their life and are having babies.

And most of all I'm frustrated that people like me are trying to hard to have a baby and there are people out there who don't value their baby's life enough and have it aborted.

Whew.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I'm sure in my heart of hearts there are other people that feel the same. It is what it is.

Now I'm going to have angry, sweaty sex with DH.

Happy New Year of the Turtle

Let me be probably one of the last few people to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

2010 brought a lot of ups and downs. My grandfather passed away in February due to generally failing health. He was 85, I believe. I never completed my resolution of becoming pregnant. That's not a very good resolution, but that's what it was and it didn't happen. But, we bought our new house in May and have many other blessings to be thankful for.

So I'm setting out for 2011 to not make a resolution because I'll never complete it. If I were to make a resolution, it would be to lose 5% of my body weight. I am exercising more but I only seem to gain weight (hopefully due to more muscle mass!). Actually, my resolution would be to walk outside in the snow and get some cool photos. Done. Okay I've completed my resolution for this year. (I'll probly add those cool photos later.)

I've learned a few things in the last year. I've learned life's not fair. No matter how you look at it, it's just not fair, so you do the best with what you have. I've also learned that paninis are amazing and super easy to make at home. My new favorite food at the moment.
I'm sure there's more but I'm running out of ideas.

Well, since there's not much else to report in the baby department, I will leave you with a photo of my Pipestone fertility turtle from Pipestone, MN. My mom gave it to me as a gift for Christmas. Traditionally, the brave and his bride would keep it in their teepee to ensure their first-born was a male. My extended family can attest that is just seems to work regardless of gender and people who touch one should be careful. So, if you're interested in how to get a turtle, give me a holler.