On the Pills Again...

For some reason Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" popped into my head and there's a commercial for birth control pills on right now. Not that I'm on birth control, but I'm back on Clomid and looking forward to it!

I called my doc on Wednesday and was wondering if she would write me a script for Clomid, since we had recently talked about it at a visit. I didn't want to go in if I didn't have to. I've had the stuff before, there would be no need for an exam, no need to blow $85 on a visit (since my *awesome* health insurance has a $6,000 deductible- but that's another story!) so I really didn't feel the need to go in if I didn't have to. So doc's nurse called me back and said that we'll start with one round but we're doubling the dose. Then I have to go back on March 8th for a blood draw to check up on my progesterone to make sure things are happening like they should.

I do like being on Clomid because there are no immediately noticeable side-effects and most of all it gives me hope. True the chances of multiples are higher, but I think taking the risk is worth it.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like a failure. I even joined WW again and have been eating like a rabbit and working out but I've only gained weight. That combined with new stress at work now, I'm just feeling really depressed and just an all around epic failure.

So, for now we'll stick with the Clomid and see what this round brings us. Wish me luck.

I will leave you with a list of honest-to-goodness song titles (some of which are on country radio):

• Heaven’s Just A Sin Away
• If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?
• Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
• Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
• I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
• It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
• I Just Couldn’t Leave Her Behind Alone
• I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
• I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love
• If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You

Cold Wind Isn't the Only Bitter Thing...

A word of caution: you may be offended by the words contained herein.

I'm sure everyone who's tried/trying for a baby has had their emotional roller-coaster, and rightly so. Lately, I've been going up (emotionally speaking) at work and other aspects of my life, but when it comes to the roller-coaster of baby stuff, I've hit that sickening drop right after the sign that says "point of no return" that makes your stomach fly up into your esophagus.

And so I present to you a mad-at-the-world rant session which may or may not offend you. I've been doing well so far keeping these feelings shoved down deep inside but I'm just gonna burst, so bon apetit.

I'm frustrated that every time I go to the gyno, she says "you could even be pregnant as we speak," but I'm not. I'm frustrated with people who are much younger than me who are having babies. I'm frustrated that people aren't married and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people haven't been married even as long as we've been trying (going on 3 years) and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who can't afford to feed themselves are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who are addicted to drugs/alcohol are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who adore their kids when they're babies and then don't like them when they are toddlers are having babies. I'm frustrated there are single people out there living with mommy and daddy and have never worked a day in their life and are having babies.

And most of all I'm frustrated that people like me are trying to hard to have a baby and there are people out there who don't value their baby's life enough and have it aborted.

Whew.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I'm sure in my heart of hearts there are other people that feel the same. It is what it is.

Now I'm going to have angry, sweaty sex with DH.

Happy New Year of the Turtle

Let me be probably one of the last few people to wish everyone a Happy New Year!

2010 brought a lot of ups and downs. My grandfather passed away in February due to generally failing health. He was 85, I believe. I never completed my resolution of becoming pregnant. That's not a very good resolution, but that's what it was and it didn't happen. But, we bought our new house in May and have many other blessings to be thankful for.

So I'm setting out for 2011 to not make a resolution because I'll never complete it. If I were to make a resolution, it would be to lose 5% of my body weight. I am exercising more but I only seem to gain weight (hopefully due to more muscle mass!). Actually, my resolution would be to walk outside in the snow and get some cool photos. Done. Okay I've completed my resolution for this year. (I'll probly add those cool photos later.)

I've learned a few things in the last year. I've learned life's not fair. No matter how you look at it, it's just not fair, so you do the best with what you have. I've also learned that paninis are amazing and super easy to make at home. My new favorite food at the moment.
I'm sure there's more but I'm running out of ideas.

Well, since there's not much else to report in the baby department, I will leave you with a photo of my Pipestone fertility turtle from Pipestone, MN. My mom gave it to me as a gift for Christmas. Traditionally, the brave and his bride would keep it in their teepee to ensure their first-born was a male. My extended family can attest that is just seems to work regardless of gender and people who touch one should be careful. So, if you're interested in how to get a turtle, give me a holler.

Come on shore...

Wow, again it's been a while since I've posted. Sometimes it's hard to find time to sit down and write out thoughts in more than just a quick note on Facebook. You know how it goes. It seems that in the middle of the night, when DH is snoring away, is the best time for me to sit and write.

There have been some changes in our life since I wrote last. I got a new position at work that is less stress (so far) and the people I work with are nice. However, starting Monday, I will be going back to my last position and going part time so I can spend more time working on the photography business. They don't have part time in my new department so I have to go back to my old world, but the people there are still my good friends. I'm initiating the transition into becoming a full time photographer.

On the baby front, no real news there. I did go to my doctor and ask if she could put me on some birth control pills to help regulate my hormones. So we're just finishing the 2nd month of that and then we're supposed "just go for it" in the words of my doctor. The trouble with the birth control pills is the side effects. When they say "may cause...." then it pretty much DID cause for me. My poor face looks like a teenage boy going through puberty. Then there's the other issues in the "gazunga" department- not sure if the "may increase breast size" one really happened or if that was just from the weight gain that the pills helped with. Dang, I'm glad I took the last one today so my body can get back to normal, after having conceived a child, of course...

So we keep hoping and praying. I had been doing pretty well and then lately in church I've been getting misty-eyed again. I think God's got big plans, I just wish I knew what they were.

Well, for today's humor I'm going to leave you a list of book titles you wouldn't want your grandma to read (these are real, honest-to-goodness published books. Seriously, look them up!):

The Joy of Uncircumcising!
You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day
Pooh Gets Stuck
Fart Proudly: Writings of Benjamin Franklin You Never Read in School
Foreskin's Lament
Anybody Can Be Cool... But Awesome Takes Practice
Games You Can Play with Your Pussy
For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf
Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages

And last but certainly not least:
Come On Shore and We Will Kill and Eat You All: A New Zealand Story

Go Rest High on the Mountain

Just a week ago we came back from the beautiful Black Hills of South Dakota for a family reunion for my extended family. It was actually more fun than last year, if I do say so myself. We have the reunion at a Lutheran church camp tucked away between two mountains with a little mountain lake for canoeing and plenty of photographic opportunities. DH and I were able to relax on the front porch of our cabin in the afternoon and play guitar, with a perfect 75 degrees, fresh pine smell, slight breeze and no one around but the birds and chipmunks. It was magical.

Every year on the Saturday night, we have a talent show and DH and I played guitar and sang a couple songs. My song was "Go Rest High (on that Mountain)" by Vince Gill. If you don't know the song, it's about the person saying goodbye to a loved one, lamenting the day they were put to rest. Go rest high on that mountain/ Son your work on earth is done/ Go to heaven shoutin'/ love for the Father and the Son It's an emotional song anyway, but I always think of both of my grandmothers and now both of my grandfathers who have passed away, one most recently as February this year. So I thought of them and starting tearing up and could barely finish the song. Music is very powerful.

At the end of the talent show portion, one of the ladies got up to talk about the joy of children and let us all know that her son is expecting another. At this point I lost it and had to run out of the room bawling. Poor DH, the only thing he can do is to hug me and he knows there's nothing that can be said to fix it. So we hugged alone in the hallway as I bawled. After everyone was done there, we all went to have a campfire. As I walked back to the campfire, one of the staff ladies from the camp asked if I was okay and then gave me a big hug, affirming that I was there with God and He would take care of me. Hugs and God are very powerful.

The next morning after breakfast we headed back upstairs for a family-led church service. All was going well until the cousin leading the service talked about how he had prayed that God wouldn't take him until he had children. Instant tears because that's how I feel. Please don't take me before I've gotten the chance to live a full life.

Then it was time to leave that beautiful part of the country and head back home, back to reality. It was a great time and I got some much needed exercise hiking. I also got some inspiration and a kick in the pants to get back to the baby-making business. My gyno and I are going to try birth control for a little while to get the hormones back on track. I'm also watching what I'm eating and trying to get that back on track after the move. Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction.

Well that about does it for today. I will leave you with a link to "Go Rest High" and I hope you love this song as much as I do. Thanks for listening.

Nouveau Départ

Hey everybody. I can't believe it's been since April that I've written. I guess I just didn't have anything new baby-related to talk about. I guess I still really don't have anything baby related to talk about. We've kinda put things on hold in that department to get other things figured out in other departments. Sometimes you have to shut down part of the store to work on renovations and improvements.

There have been a couple things that are new. I know I talked about getting a house, and as most of you know, DH and I did buy our first house at the end of May and we've been steadily getting settled in. We've been put through some trials in the first month of home-ownership, such as repairing the AC and the fridge. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.

Another thing that's new is that actually just this morning I accepted a position in a different department, which theoretically will be less stress and same pay but now will be Monday through Friday (currently my schedule is Sunday through Thursday) and the hours will actually be later. I figure I'll give it a shot for a while anyway.

Some other things that are new: my sister's fiance, the restaurant down the road a half mile, and the Aurora Borealis (which we tried to see tonight but weren't able to).

So anyway, I've made an appointment with my gyno again because I'm 90% sure I've got a cyst again. Not that I'm usually one to self-diagnose (just kidding I do it all the time), I am experiencing symptoms similar to when I had the one burst the day of our friends M and H's wedding. I'm hoping there is some sort of therapy, like birth control, that she'll be able to prescribe to help with the hormones and get me back on track. In the meantime I've decided to live vicariously through others with children. Ya know, get as much practice as I can.


I will leave you with a website full of neat things about viewing the Aurora Borealis.

Hormones, hormones everywhere

I could swear I've hit menopause.

I sit at work and normally and just frozen to the bone. But lately that has changed and I get this overwhelming heat wave and I'm threatening my co-workers that I'm going to rip my clothes off. And no one wants that.

In addition to the heat wave, apparently hearing a baby or seeing a baby makes me cry. Just tonight I was on a call and the customer had a 3 month old baby and a 2 year old and she's been married just as long as DH and I have. I started bawling. One of the fellow co-workers brought his week old baby (who was just as cute as a bugs ear)in today to parade around, the proudest papa ever! So it was kind of an emotional day baby wise.

On my appointment on Monday, we found only one follicle, which I was disappointed about because they had me on double the dose of Clomid and last month we had two. So I get to go back tomorrow to have another ultrasound and a shot (if I choose to). I also need to ask why I've been so nauseated lately. It's probably just the hormones.

Speaking of the fertility specialist, I just received the bill today for Hospital S. If insurance doesn't pay for any of it, thus far I will owe $1,741. Not really anything prepares you for that kind of sticker shock. I guess that's what I get for trying to do this medically.

Well, I don't have any fun lists to end with tonight, so I will leave you with a link to one of my favorite bits unnecessary censorship