Well, this isn't exactly how I wanted to tell everyone. It's also the reason we waited to tell everyone.
DH and I found out a couple of weeks ago that we're gonna have a baby. When I found out, I was hysterical, shaking and crying. I texted him a photo of the pregnancy test. We told our parents and and my sister and a couple friends. We were waiting until after the first ultrasound on 4/20/2011 to tell all. My first appointment last Monday went great and the blood work was normal. Super excited, and it was really hard not to tell absolutely everyone I walked into.
However, today I woke up and went to get ready for church I noticed I was bleeding. I've heard that happens sometimes, no big deal. When I was taking my shower I got extremely light-headed and was going to pass out, I couldn't even finish my shower. I laid on the bathroom floor in my robe doubled over with excruciating cramps while DH called Ask-A-Nurse, who said to get to the ER.
We went to ER and eventually were led back into a room where a doc came in and did a pelvic exam and collected the remains. They did an ultrasound to see if that's really what had happened and it was confirmed. Both DH and I had to cry a little, okay I cried a lot. Still am, in fact. It will take a long time to get over this first pregnancy that ended so abruptly. It sucks.
I'll spare the rest of the details, unless you want to know the ins and outs of what happened today, you can contact me. It feels like another test of faith and very hard not to say "why me, God?!" My heart is breaking. It definitely hurts.
So we wait for now. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to follow up. After 3 weeks we can start trying again. Back to square one. I loved the little guy and lost it.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Update
Well, yesterday I got my results back for my progesterone levels. I'm at a 19 ng/ml. From what I've read most docs like to see you at 15+ng/ml when medicated (i.e. with clomid) and the nurse told me it's not likely that I'm pregnant yet.
Doc put my on a triple dose of clomid for this next round. I'll be kinda frustrated if I spend all this money on a triple dose of clomid and I'm already with-child. Although, as DH put it, "I'll bet you won't be that upset." *sigh* I hate it when he's right....
Tuesday the 15th is day 28. That's a whole 5 days away yet! I can't test until day 28, per the request of my chiropractor. She's rootin' for me too.
That's all I have for now. I will let you know any progress!
I will leave you with a couple of fertility jokes, courtesy of fertilityplus.org:
Q: How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .
Q: How does a Reproductive Endorcinologist like his eggs?
A: Over 20mm!
Q: Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't ask for directions either!
And last but not least:
One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
Doc put my on a triple dose of clomid for this next round. I'll be kinda frustrated if I spend all this money on a triple dose of clomid and I'm already with-child. Although, as DH put it, "I'll bet you won't be that upset." *sigh* I hate it when he's right....
Tuesday the 15th is day 28. That's a whole 5 days away yet! I can't test until day 28, per the request of my chiropractor. She's rootin' for me too.
That's all I have for now. I will let you know any progress!
I will leave you with a couple of fertility jokes, courtesy of fertilityplus.org:
Q: How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .
Q: How does a Reproductive Endorcinologist like his eggs?
A: Over 20mm!
Q: Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't ask for directions either!
And last but not least:
One ovary says to the other ovary, "Hey, did you order any furniture?"
The other ovary says, "No, why?"
"There are a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A Day Full of Needles
Today was another day full of needles. I went in for my day 21 (cycle day 21) blood draw to check my progesterone levels. Progesterone is a hormone that is secreted during ovulation and tells the uterus to get ready for a baybay! Basically, it creates a nice, comfy place for the egg to land. Low progesterone levels mean no implantation or no pregnancy and if pregnant then miscarriage. I'm not sure when I'll get the results back, but I hope they're good!!
After my blood draw, I went to my second acupuncture appointment. This time they put me in a little different room than the spa room I was in before. She put the needles in a few different places than last time too. Then she put a heat lamp on my feet and told me to practice deep breathing and focusing energy. I actually found it harder to concentrate in there because people outside were being loud and the music was too loud. I still felt relaxed, if nothing else, when I left there. And I found out that these treatments cost less than going to my chiropractor or a visit to the gyno (assuming your insurance doesn't pay for anything much like mine doesn't!)
One thing she did ask me to do is to try eliminate stress for a week. ...Yeah. That's what I thought too. I asked her if that means I can quit my job and she said as long as I win the lottery tomorrow night that shouldn't be a problem. Done and done!
Now I don't know if this is anything to be concerned or get excited about, but the last couple of days I've been feeling a fluttering in my uterus-region. Everything I read on the internet was people saying it's gas. Trust me... I know what gas feels like and this is not it. I can tell the difference between my uterus and my intestines, thank you very much! But it doesn't hurt and it's just like when you get a nervous twitch in your eye or your leg or something. I'm gonna play it by ear and see what happens. I have a few more days before I can test. I really don't want to test anymore, I hate the disappointment that entails.
Well, unlike the aforementioned pregnancy tests, today I will leave you with a list of potential movie titles that will not disappoint! FYI: I made these up. Enjoy.
After my blood draw, I went to my second acupuncture appointment. This time they put me in a little different room than the spa room I was in before. She put the needles in a few different places than last time too. Then she put a heat lamp on my feet and told me to practice deep breathing and focusing energy. I actually found it harder to concentrate in there because people outside were being loud and the music was too loud. I still felt relaxed, if nothing else, when I left there. And I found out that these treatments cost less than going to my chiropractor or a visit to the gyno (assuming your insurance doesn't pay for anything much like mine doesn't!)
One thing she did ask me to do is to try eliminate stress for a week. ...Yeah. That's what I thought too. I asked her if that means I can quit my job and she said as long as I win the lottery tomorrow night that shouldn't be a problem. Done and done!
Now I don't know if this is anything to be concerned or get excited about, but the last couple of days I've been feeling a fluttering in my uterus-region. Everything I read on the internet was people saying it's gas. Trust me... I know what gas feels like and this is not it. I can tell the difference between my uterus and my intestines, thank you very much! But it doesn't hurt and it's just like when you get a nervous twitch in your eye or your leg or something. I'm gonna play it by ear and see what happens. I have a few more days before I can test. I really don't want to test anymore, I hate the disappointment that entails.
Well, unlike the aforementioned pregnancy tests, today I will leave you with a list of potential movie titles that will not disappoint! FYI: I made these up. Enjoy.
- 3 Nuns, A Hooker and A Dog Named Happy
- Flipper: Die Another Day
- Something About Larry (King)
- Influenza Day
- Revenge of the Ninja Bears
- Gigantic Luxury Steam Ship That Never Should Have Left Harbor Killing Many Many People (based on a true story)
- Fast Car Boob-splosion [okay I didn't make that one up]
- The Vindicator III
- Ratman and Bobbin
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Stick a needle in me, I'm done
A friend of mine from childhood sent me a message the other day to give me a little pick-me up and advice on trying to get pregnant and what worked for her. It was a very pleasant surprise and it helped me out!
She mentioned some of the same things that I had already done and even the fertility specialist whom I'm trying to never go back to, God willing. Not that I don't like him, it's just too expensive and didn't get me any farther than I was before. She also mentioned that she did acupuncture which seemed to be the catalyst she needed. My gyno had also mentioned it, I guess I was just a little skeptical and maybe a little scared of alternative medicine like acupuncture. Nevertheless, with two people telling me to give it a go, I decided it was time.
I made an appointment with one of the local chiropractor/day spa places. My mom goes there for her chiropractic needs and it's a really cool place and the people are super nice. I made sure to tell them when booking the appointment that I've never done it before. After all the paperwork (which in reality wasn't much, just your typical HIPAA stuff, etc) I was shown in the back to a room where they played me a general welcome video and then the doc came in for a brief analysis.
Acupuncture is a Chinese medicine practice but they do incorporate a bit of western medicine for the analysis. She first asked me to show her my tongue in various poses (saying "ahhh" or angry tongue sticking-out) and she could tell I was dehydrated, fatigued, stressed and hormonally imbalanced. Then she took my pulse on both wrists at the same time at three different points and she mentioned my pulse was a little weak and I must have been tired (which I was, only getting 6 hours of sleep the night before). Then she did the good old blood pressure cuff on my wrist (yay western medicine!). The last thing she did was have me change into a gown and she had a scanner that she rolled down my back and neck to get a reading of my spine, I guess. Then I was ready for the fun.
The doc lead me back to their spa area where she put me in a relaxing massage room where she had me change into a gown and some shorts. I lied down on the bed with my head on a pillow and she made clear I understood that the needles are only used once and explained where she was putting them and why. She described what it would feel like. I can honestly say, poking your finger for a blood sugar sample or the needle poke at the dentist is soooo much more than this. I've had mosquito bites that hurt more than these things. It was a poke and then it was gone, I forgot where they all were because I couldn't feel them!
She put a needle above and below my belly button, one on each ovary, one on my right wrist, one on the skin between my thumb and forefinger on my left hand, one on the outside of each ankle, two in my forehead and one in the top of my head. She then gave me instructions on deep breathing and focusing on the abdomen where we need the energy to flow. That last one was hard because my mind kept wandering but with the relaxing music and waterfall it made it a lot easier to keep my focus than if I was in a completely silent room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back and removed the needles. I couldn't even feel her remove them. She said there might be some bruising, but so far I haven't seen anything weird. She asked me to take my time getting up, drink 8 oz of water (which they have placed pitchers of ice water pretty much everywhere you go in this place) and get a snack as soon as possible. She didn't have to tell me twice to eat a snack... She also suggested finding at least 5 minutes a day that I just relax and do something that doesn't involve gadgets. I do that anyways, but I think we could all use that.
I'm going back on Tuesday for another treatment. She did mention that we should have started at the beginning of my cycle and not day 15, but I'm guessing it won't hurt to start now. It's good for meditation anyways.
So it was a very positive experience. I would recommend it to others who are trying to conceive or people who just need a relaxing poke with needles.
I will now leave you with a list of very embarrassing moments people experience (not necessarily ones I'VE experienced):
Please comment and add your own embarrassing moments to the list!
She mentioned some of the same things that I had already done and even the fertility specialist whom I'm trying to never go back to, God willing. Not that I don't like him, it's just too expensive and didn't get me any farther than I was before. She also mentioned that she did acupuncture which seemed to be the catalyst she needed. My gyno had also mentioned it, I guess I was just a little skeptical and maybe a little scared of alternative medicine like acupuncture. Nevertheless, with two people telling me to give it a go, I decided it was time.
I made an appointment with one of the local chiropractor/day spa places. My mom goes there for her chiropractic needs and it's a really cool place and the people are super nice. I made sure to tell them when booking the appointment that I've never done it before. After all the paperwork (which in reality wasn't much, just your typical HIPAA stuff, etc) I was shown in the back to a room where they played me a general welcome video and then the doc came in for a brief analysis.
Acupuncture is a Chinese medicine practice but they do incorporate a bit of western medicine for the analysis. She first asked me to show her my tongue in various poses (saying "ahhh" or angry tongue sticking-out) and she could tell I was dehydrated, fatigued, stressed and hormonally imbalanced. Then she took my pulse on both wrists at the same time at three different points and she mentioned my pulse was a little weak and I must have been tired (which I was, only getting 6 hours of sleep the night before). Then she did the good old blood pressure cuff on my wrist (yay western medicine!). The last thing she did was have me change into a gown and she had a scanner that she rolled down my back and neck to get a reading of my spine, I guess. Then I was ready for the fun.
The doc lead me back to their spa area where she put me in a relaxing massage room where she had me change into a gown and some shorts. I lied down on the bed with my head on a pillow and she made clear I understood that the needles are only used once and explained where she was putting them and why. She described what it would feel like. I can honestly say, poking your finger for a blood sugar sample or the needle poke at the dentist is soooo much more than this. I've had mosquito bites that hurt more than these things. It was a poke and then it was gone, I forgot where they all were because I couldn't feel them!
She put a needle above and below my belly button, one on each ovary, one on my right wrist, one on the skin between my thumb and forefinger on my left hand, one on the outside of each ankle, two in my forehead and one in the top of my head. She then gave me instructions on deep breathing and focusing on the abdomen where we need the energy to flow. That last one was hard because my mind kept wandering but with the relaxing music and waterfall it made it a lot easier to keep my focus than if I was in a completely silent room.
Fifteen minutes later she came back and removed the needles. I couldn't even feel her remove them. She said there might be some bruising, but so far I haven't seen anything weird. She asked me to take my time getting up, drink 8 oz of water (which they have placed pitchers of ice water pretty much everywhere you go in this place) and get a snack as soon as possible. She didn't have to tell me twice to eat a snack... She also suggested finding at least 5 minutes a day that I just relax and do something that doesn't involve gadgets. I do that anyways, but I think we could all use that.
I'm going back on Tuesday for another treatment. She did mention that we should have started at the beginning of my cycle and not day 15, but I'm guessing it won't hurt to start now. It's good for meditation anyways.
So it was a very positive experience. I would recommend it to others who are trying to conceive or people who just need a relaxing poke with needles.
I will now leave you with a list of very embarrassing moments people experience (not necessarily ones I'VE experienced):
- Going to pull out something from your purse/wallet at the grocery store and out falls a tampon/other embarrassing items.
- In an important meeting or interview and find you have a booger.
- Walking into the wrong bathroom.
- Trying to wave down your friend only to find it's someone that looks extraordinarily similar. (this is especially worse if the person turns out to be the opposite gender - this one did actually happen to me)
- Farting in front of a client or in an important meeting.
- Accidentally wetting/soiling your pants in public. (Hey diarrhea doesn't wait for you!)
- Having your shirt tucked in your underwear.
- Forgetting to wear clothes (again).
- Stepping on the back of your skirt and it comes down.
- Wind blowing your skirt up.
- Realize your zipper has been down all day.
- Farting during silent prayer.
- Giggling at the person who farted during silent prayer.
- Your phone rings with an embarrassing ring tone.
- Gentleman having a noticeable "bulge" at an inappropriate time-like a funeral.
- Falling up/ down stairs.
Please comment and add your own embarrassing moments to the list!
Friday, February 18, 2011
On the Pills Again...
For some reason Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" popped into my head and there's a commercial for birth control pills on right now. Not that I'm on birth control, but I'm back on Clomid and looking forward to it!
I called my doc on Wednesday and was wondering if she would write me a script for Clomid, since we had recently talked about it at a visit. I didn't want to go in if I didn't have to. I've had the stuff before, there would be no need for an exam, no need to blow $85 on a visit (since my *awesome* health insurance has a $6,000 deductible- but that's another story!) so I really didn't feel the need to go in if I didn't have to. So doc's nurse called me back and said that we'll start with one round but we're doubling the dose. Then I have to go back on March 8th for a blood draw to check up on my progesterone to make sure things are happening like they should.
I do like being on Clomid because there are no immediately noticeable side-effects and most of all it gives me hope. True the chances of multiples are higher, but I think taking the risk is worth it.
I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like a failure. I even joined WW again and have been eating like a rabbit and working out but I've only gained weight. That combined with new stress at work now, I'm just feeling really depressed and just an all around epic failure.
So, for now we'll stick with the Clomid and see what this round brings us. Wish me luck.
I will leave you with a list of honest-to-goodness song titles (some of which are on country radio):
I called my doc on Wednesday and was wondering if she would write me a script for Clomid, since we had recently talked about it at a visit. I didn't want to go in if I didn't have to. I've had the stuff before, there would be no need for an exam, no need to blow $85 on a visit (since my *awesome* health insurance has a $6,000 deductible- but that's another story!) so I really didn't feel the need to go in if I didn't have to. So doc's nurse called me back and said that we'll start with one round but we're doubling the dose. Then I have to go back on March 8th for a blood draw to check up on my progesterone to make sure things are happening like they should.
I do like being on Clomid because there are no immediately noticeable side-effects and most of all it gives me hope. True the chances of multiples are higher, but I think taking the risk is worth it.
I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like a failure. I even joined WW again and have been eating like a rabbit and working out but I've only gained weight. That combined with new stress at work now, I'm just feeling really depressed and just an all around epic failure.
So, for now we'll stick with the Clomid and see what this round brings us. Wish me luck.
I will leave you with a list of honest-to-goodness song titles (some of which are on country radio):
- Heaven’s Just A Sin Away
- If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?
- Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
- Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
- I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
- I Just Couldn’t Leave Her Behind Alone
- I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
- I Just Fell In Something and I Sure Hope It’s Love
- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Cold Wind Isn't the Only Bitter Thing...
A word of caution: you may be offended by the words contained herein.
I'm sure everyone who's tried/trying for a baby has had their emotional roller-coaster, and rightly so. Lately, I've been going up (emotionally speaking) at work and other aspects of my life, but when it comes to the roller-coaster of baby stuff, I've hit that sickening drop right after the sign that says "point of no return" that makes your stomach fly up into your esophagus.
And so I present to you a mad-at-the-world rant session which may or may not offend you. I've been doing well so far keeping these feelings shoved down deep inside but I'm just gonna burst, so bon apetit.
I'm frustrated that every time I go to the gyno, she says "you could even be pregnant as we speak," but I'm not. I'm frustrated with people who are much younger than me who are having babies. I'm frustrated that people aren't married and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people haven't been married even as long as we've been trying (going on 3 years) and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who can't afford to feed themselves are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who are addicted to drugs/alcohol are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who adore their kids when they're babies and then don't like them when they are toddlers are having babies. I'm frustrated there are single people out there living with mommy and daddy and have never worked a day in their life and are having babies.
And most of all I'm frustrated that people like me are trying to hard to have a baby and there are people out there who don't value their baby's life enough and have it aborted.
Whew.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I'm sure in my heart of hearts there are other people that feel the same. It is what it is.
Now I'm going to have angry, sweaty sex with DH.
I'm sure everyone who's tried/trying for a baby has had their emotional roller-coaster, and rightly so. Lately, I've been going up (emotionally speaking) at work and other aspects of my life, but when it comes to the roller-coaster of baby stuff, I've hit that sickening drop right after the sign that says "point of no return" that makes your stomach fly up into your esophagus.
And so I present to you a mad-at-the-world rant session which may or may not offend you. I've been doing well so far keeping these feelings shoved down deep inside but I'm just gonna burst, so bon apetit.
I'm frustrated that every time I go to the gyno, she says "you could even be pregnant as we speak," but I'm not. I'm frustrated with people who are much younger than me who are having babies. I'm frustrated that people aren't married and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people haven't been married even as long as we've been trying (going on 3 years) and are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who can't afford to feed themselves are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who are addicted to drugs/alcohol are having babies. I'm frustrated that people who adore their kids when they're babies and then don't like them when they are toddlers are having babies. I'm frustrated there are single people out there living with mommy and daddy and have never worked a day in their life and are having babies.
And most of all I'm frustrated that people like me are trying to hard to have a baby and there are people out there who don't value their baby's life enough and have it aborted.
Whew.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I'm sure in my heart of hearts there are other people that feel the same. It is what it is.
Now I'm going to have angry, sweaty sex with DH.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Happy New Year of the Turtle
Let me be probably one of the last few people to wish everyone a Happy New Year!
2010 brought a lot of ups and downs. My grandfather passed away in February due to generally failing health. He was 85, I believe. I never completed my resolution of becoming pregnant. That's not a very good resolution, but that's what it was and it didn't happen. But, we bought our new house in May and have many other blessings to be thankful for.
So I'm setting out for 2011 to not make a resolution because I'll never complete it. If I were to make a resolution, it would be to lose 5% of my body weight. I am exercising more but I only seem to gain weight (hopefully due to more muscle mass!). Actually, my resolution would be to walk outside in the snow and get some cool photos. Done. Okay I've completed my resolution for this year. (I'll probly add those cool photos later.)
I've learned a few things in the last year. I've learned life's not fair. No matter how you look at it, it's just not fair, so you do the best with what you have. I've also learned that paninis are amazing and super easy to make at home. My new favorite food at the moment.
I'm sure there's more but I'm running out of ideas.
Well, since there's not much else to report in the baby department, I will leave you with a photo of my Pipestone fertility turtle from Pipestone, MN. My mom gave it to me as a gift for Christmas. Traditionally, the brave and his bride would keep it in their teepee to ensure their first-born was a male. My extended family can attest that is just seems to work regardless of gender and people who touch one should be careful. So, if you're interested in how to get a turtle, give me a holler.
2010 brought a lot of ups and downs. My grandfather passed away in February due to generally failing health. He was 85, I believe. I never completed my resolution of becoming pregnant. That's not a very good resolution, but that's what it was and it didn't happen. But, we bought our new house in May and have many other blessings to be thankful for.
So I'm setting out for 2011 to not make a resolution because I'll never complete it. If I were to make a resolution, it would be to lose 5% of my body weight. I am exercising more but I only seem to gain weight (hopefully due to more muscle mass!). Actually, my resolution would be to walk outside in the snow and get some cool photos. Done. Okay I've completed my resolution for this year. (I'll probly add those cool photos later.)
I've learned a few things in the last year. I've learned life's not fair. No matter how you look at it, it's just not fair, so you do the best with what you have. I've also learned that paninis are amazing and super easy to make at home. My new favorite food at the moment.I'm sure there's more but I'm running out of ideas.
Well, since there's not much else to report in the baby department, I will leave you with a photo of my Pipestone fertility turtle from Pipestone, MN. My mom gave it to me as a gift for Christmas. Traditionally, the brave and his bride would keep it in their teepee to ensure their first-born was a male. My extended family can attest that is just seems to work regardless of gender and people who touch one should be careful. So, if you're interested in how to get a turtle, give me a holler.
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